A Very Special Sunday

As usual, I went for the evening mass in our parish church on last Sunday. It was after a long time I managed to reach the church before the beginning of the mass. The service was about to begin and there was not one to assist the priest. I did not think twice, took the text developed for the faithful and assisted the priest as an altar boy. I also managed the readings. Initially I got a bit frightened as the text was a new version. For me, there has been no practice of using the text while attending mass for a long time. However, I succeeded in managing everything.

Anyways, this incident took me twenty five years down memory lane. Back in our village, the parish church is just 500 metres away from our home. I started attending the morning mass in our parish as soon as I started my schooling at the age of five. The morning mass was at 7.00 AM. I used to be the only kid in the gathering of mainly elderly people and some nuns. I would rush back to home after the mass to have my breakfast and get ready for school where the classes used to start at 10.00 AM.

As I entered third standard and learnt to read well, the parish priest invited me to start serving as an altar boy. I got trained under the senior altar boys. Normally, only those who have received the first Holy Communion were allowed to serve as altar boys. However, this rule was relaxed for the first time in my case. I was so small and, therefore, the faithful were not able to see me as the altar is elevated. As a solution, the priest allowed me to stand at one side of the altar from where I was visible to all.

I had a very innocent and priestly look at that time and there were many elders who predicted that I would join seminary and become a priest one day. Though the first part of their dream got materialised, the second part did not. I consoled myself as the Lord himself had said ‘many are called but a few are chosen’. I could not be among those who were chosen.

I also have very fond memories about the annual training cum retreat camp the diocese used to organise for altar boys. I learnt my first acting lessons from there.

At the age of thirteen, I was chosen as the Sacristan of the church with a monthly remuneration of 200 rupees which was a big amount at that time. I became the only earning student in my class. Gradually, this led me to some unwanted companies and I started spending the money mainly on movies. I started bunking classes to go for movies. The culmination of all these was that I could not attend any paper of my final examination in 9^th standard. At that point, I had to give up everything including my job as sacristan.

Anyways, the Lord had not forsaken me for all the good service I did for him before going astray. After a long time, somehow, the Lord wanted me to remember all these once again and I believe it was his plan to make me assist the priest once again.

A special Christmas

I got up very late on this chilled December 25th morning as I am alone in Delhi for Xmas this time. Union Minister Ravi Shankar Prasad sent me text with wishes on the occasion of 'Good Governance Day' when, being a Christian, I was expecting my government to wish me (and ensure) peace and joy on the occasion of Xmas. 

However, my neighbours, a Bengali-Hindu family, offered me a cup of coffee and a piece of cake knowing that I am alone this time and that has made my day. This kind of gestures strengthen my trust in the inherent goodness of human beings regardless of their caste, colour, creed or religion. And, I also realise that the forces of evil will never be able to damage the secular fabric of this great nation.

Those who rule us may realise that the so called 'Development' and 'Good Governance' is possible only when the rights and freedom of each individual is respected and honoured!

Wishing you all the Peace that this season brings when there is total restlessness around!

Wishing you all happiness when there is nothing much to be happy about!

Merry Christmas!!!!

(This was posted in my Facebook account on 25^th December 2014)

Our soccer days

A few minutes are left for the Kick-off of the 20^th FIFA World Cup in Sao Polo, Brazil. I am in Kolkata for some work. It could be a coincidence that I happened to be in a city where the football frenzy is almost similar to the same in my home state, Kerala. We were familiar with the West Bengal football clubs like Mohun Bagan, East Bengal and Mohammedan Sporting Club from our school days. Many of the known players from Kerala used to play with these clubs during those times. I think it was the 1998 world cup I watched first. Ever since I would closely follow all news related to the World Cup at least three months before the kick-off to keep myself updated about the teams, players and their chances. However, it was a sudden realisation this time that yet another kick-off is a few minutes away.

We never had a football ground or team in our village. However, just for a few months before and after the every World Cup, we used to play football in the small ground in front of our primary school. This was often interrupted and stopped by the school management as our excitement often did harm to the school building, especially to its tiled roof. What we played most during that time was cricket but the passion for football and emotional support for the South American countries were still there in our minds.

During the 1998 World Cup, all football fans from our village used to gather in a small restaurant run by the Kudilparambil Family to watch the late night matches. They managed to set up a dish antenna and subscribed to the channel that broadcast the matches live. There were very few TV sets in the village at that time and nobody else had access to that particular channel. Watching the matches with such a big crowd was a wonderful experience which I still cherish.

I completed my 10^th standard also during the same year and moved out of my village. I don’t know whether the new generation in my village is so enthusiastic about soccer now.

For me this is the second world cup after settling down in Delhi and the first one after getting married. I don’t know whether I would be able to enjoy all the matches this time with my wife and an 18-month-old son around. Anyways, Argentina will remain my favourites this time too as always.

New heroes will emerge in the game but my football heroes will always be players like Gabriel Batistuta, Ariel Ortega and Juan Roman Riquelme of Argentina; Ronaldo, Roberto Carlos and Ronaldinho of Brazil; Patrick Kluivert and Edgar Davids of Holland; Roberto Baggio and Paolo Maldini of Italy; Zidane of France; Figo of Portugal; Beckham and Steven Gerard of England (Gerard is playing in this world cup as well); and, of course, Baichung Bhutia and I.M Vijayan of India!!!!! For, they all belong to the times when I enjoyed the game most.

(Photo courtesy: www.npr.org)

The day I took him out

There were cockroaches everywhere in our house

Inside the kitchen……

Inside the wardrobe……

Under the cot…….

Even inside the refrigerator.

There were cockroaches everywhere……..

His world was also full of cockroaches………

That was the word he uttered first.

He kept calling them out affectionately

He turned them upside down as they moved along the floor

Swallowed them at times

Even his dreams were full of cockroaches

I heard him calling out cockroaches while in deep sleep

His mother wanted me to show him the world outside

The world beyond cockroaches...

But, I always had one or the other excuse,

For not taking him out.

Meetings....

Presentations……

Targets……..

Field trips.... etc. etc.

Finally on the last Christmas day,

I took the one-year-old to the park nearby

Probably the first time a sunny day out for him

He ran along the lawn,

Whistled at the birds,

Admired the beauty of flowers,

Smiled at those on morning walk.

He did not want to return to home.

………………………………………………………….

Back home, I sent an email to my boss,

Extending my leaves for one week.

And, I waited for the next morning....

 

 

 

My Struggles

I keep looking outside

What for? I do not know.

What is actually missing?

What is lacking?

I do not know……………………

Then, what am I looking for?

Can that bring lasting happiness in life?

When everything is momentary.

……………………………………………………………………….

When will I realise the worth of what I possess?

The true value of the one I have in my life……

Can I be more open?

Loving, caring and understanding?

Drawing all the inspiration from one source,

Finding all happiness and solace in one being,

Surrendering myself completely.

For that I am struggling,

And for that I am striving…….

Yes, I am growing old

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it does not matter” Mark Twain

I am just one day away from completing 31 years of existence. Yes, it is my 32^nd birthday on 28^th November 2013. And, I am composing this post sitting in a Go Air Flight from Delhi to Ranchi. I am not sure whether it is appropriate to start with an embarrassing experience I had last week while in Cochin with a female colleague. This incidence has some connection to what I have started with i.e., my age, date of birth etc. Anyways, let me go ahead and narrate it for you.

We always try to avoid discussions related to our age with those who are known to us. I take special care to divert the discussions when such topics come up. However, it did come up last week and when this most unwanted question was thrown at me, I tried to play smart and asked my colleague to do some guess work on my age. ‘You must be around 34-35’. The reply was so quick giving me the shock of my life. For, I have always heard people telling me that I look 2-3 years younger than my original age. And, her reply was the hardest hit ever to my pride! I suddenly bounced back saying, ‘no, I am just 30 only. I am a 1983-model. She seemed to have believed it. I do not know what I have gained by telling her a lie about the year of my birth which is 1982. Recurring thoughts about this incident still embarrasses me. I wanted to confess it to her. But, I dropped that idea later as this would not be a matter of concern for her. I think it was an attempt to convince my inner-self that I just touched my thirties and still somewhere in the beginning of the fourth decade in my life. Back in the hotel, I spent so much time in front of the mirror looking for signs of aging at my face. Yes, I am aging. I should agree.

Those three years from thirty to thirty three were the defining years in the life of Jesus Christ. We also have other great leaders who made their presence felt in the world by this time. I had a feeling that, I still have, the first three years of my thirties would be the defining years in my life as well. In other words, these years would set the ground for my future at the personal and professional fronts. One year has already passed without any substantial achievement.

From now on, at the personal front, I think I need to focus more on making myself available to my dear and near ones when they are most in need of my presence. In my wife’s opinion, I never fail to take care of their needs but nothing is done on time. I take my sweet time to do things for them. Yes. I will ensure that their needs are taken care of on time every time. Mentally and emotionally, I have to be more connected to my wife. There are strained relations within our family circles that require patch-up. Being the father to a one-year-old son, it is all the more important to live a life worth imitating for him.

As a professional, I think I am now with the right organisation and working for a cause which is very close to my heart. What I am currently doing is something that I should be doing at this point of time in my life. My commitment and efforts are acknowledged by the organisation. I should pay more attention to keep up the credibility of my personal brand intact. At the same time, I have to keep my eyes and ears open to the world around with ample opportunities for further growth.

I always wanted to spend time on writing more and improving the visibility of my Blog. This is going to be the only activity in which I will pay more attention during the coming year. I am also hopeful about the prospects of the self-help group I am part of with some other friends. We may take up at least one activity from many ideas we continue to discuss. Hope all these would help my mind to be fully engaged as I feel that it would prevent all the bizarre thoughts as this is the age when people start realising their capability for greater love and look for scope for the same outside their marital relations.

Yes. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.

Happy Birthday to Meeee!!!!!!

The turns that life take

I am vacating my rented house in South Delhi tomorrow after staying here for nearly nine months. The newly hired house in West Delhi is going to be my fifth residence in Delhi in a short span of three years. I had left my parents and siblings at the age of sixteen and stayed in different cities thereafter for my higher studies and profession except for the three years in between with them while pursuing my graduation. Towards the end of my post graduation and the beginning of professional life, I stayed in the house of a Bangalore Metropolitan Transport Corporation bus driver for nearly two years. And, that was my longest stay so far in a rented house. Otherwise, I used to change the roof over my head at least once in a year. The shifting from one place to another was quite easy for me as I used to move around with all my belongings in a suitcase. My motto was ‘less luggage more comfort’ just like the Indian Railways. Because of my frequent movements, I have not yet been able to obtain a passport, which is the most important proof of one’s identity and citizenship, from the Ministry of External Affairs. As per rules, one should have stayed at a particular place for at least one year, that too with some proof, to be able to apply for a passport. Now, I am moving to the new house with the hope that my passport will bear that address.

I hope I will stay there for some time as it is no longer possible for me to move around with my stuff in a suitcase. Though I have not accumulated much, my wife joined me with all her possessions in 10 – 15 bags. She did not want to leave anything behind with her parents. After the wedding, when we got into the train to Delhi, I had a horrible time keeping everything under the seats and other vacant spaces without causing troubles to the fellow passengers. Therefore, I will think twice before deciding another pack up.

I start realizing that slowly I am being confined to my office and home. There will not be any late night parties, no eating-out with friends and no unplanned adventurous trips. This is a transition phase of the life of a free bird to that of a caged bird to an extent. However, I started enjoying the privileges of this new life – there is somebody at home to open the door to you when you are back after office, a cup of hot coffee once you change and freshen up yourself, meals at your table on time, washed and pressed clothes and much more than that the warmth of her love. These days, I impatiently look at the office clock to show 5.30 PM to get out and get lost into our small cage. Earlier, only one third of the day was spent outside office. I am slowly adapting myself to the changes in my life.

As I have mentioned in some of my previous blogs, my reading habits as an adolescent had instilled in me a passion to travel to the great nations and cities that served as perfect backdrops to some of the great works of our great writers of all the times such as the Russia of Dostoevsky and Chekov, China of Pearl S Buck (The Good Earth), Colombia of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Bengal (Kolkata) of Tagore, etc. During those days, I dreamt of running away from my home to see these places in real. I believed that I would become a writer one day and known all over the world. I was eager to go out and experience life with all its uncertainties, harshness, troubles and tribulations. I hoped that such experiences would mould me into a different being and provide me with the stories to tell the world. However, as you grow up, the way you look at life changes. You start realizing the expectations of your parents and siblings about you start focusing more on meeting, and if possible, exceeding their expectations. While doing so, you pretend to be deaf and ignorant to your inner callings.

Recently, I had a chance to watch a movie adaptation of the play ‘The Glass Menagerie’ by Tennessee Williams. I could easily identify myself with Tom Wingfield, the leading character in it who wants to set out to pursue his passion of becoming a poet but forced to continue his job in a shoe factory due to the commitments to his mother and a sister who is crippled. I think there is a Tom lying dormant within each one of us with dreams yet to be fulfilled, passions yet to be followed, potentials yet to be actualized and a life yet to be lived.